| I have a problem... |
[Aug. 10th, 2011|10:54 pm] |
I really don't want to talk about it.
I never felt like i ever belonged. I don't know why i'm here now or what i'm doing. I hope it's just a wave of depression, but it feels like more.
I feel tormented and I don't know why it's chosen me.
I don't feel like i've ever actually had a genuine emotion; ever. I do feel as though a large portion of my life has been a complete farce. It's like i'm watching myself do these things because the real me can't/won't.
I don't know why i hide behind this facade.
I do'n tknow why i hide behind this facade.
I don't know why i hide behind this facade.
"
If I were to leave today,
how many would think i cared?
If I hadn't made it this far,
how would others have fared?
If life has meaning, why do I have regrets?
Why do I have to replay all the poor decisions I've made?
I don't understand why I have to keep going through this. I don't turn it on and off, it turns itself on and off.
I really hope my children have a better life.
I guess it all started when i realized that I could die. I was 3. I remember it well. Our house was broken into and i was held at gunpoint in my room until the police dragged the offender out. He had escaped from the jail nearby.
Someone was supposed to be watching me. They weren't there; I was alone. I haven't been the same since.
I never felt like my parents loved each other. I always knew there was a problem. There was a problem. It was hard to deal with. I thought they'd be together because that's what you were supposed to do. They'd both been divorced multiple times before but all before me and I thought it was different.
It wasn't. I'm not.
The greed of man conspires from within; nowhere else.
I look back on my life; and I'm told it's supposed to look like a journey. It doesn't feel like a journey. It feels like I was guided by the wrong hand and I had to always keep myself uplifted. My father supported me. My mother supported me. My father loved me. My mother loved me.
My parents didn't support me. My parents didn't love me.
Sometimes, I think the only reason I'm alive is to serve others and serve as a balance. I don't think my life has any real meaning other than that. It's very depressing to think that I really am only here to make other people better and that my life is really sorta useless other than that.
I've spoken of this before.
The wings of the great dragon can make him fly high. The chains he bears keeps him on the ground.
Something has to change, something has to give.
When i was younger, i really wanted to kill myself; and that's the truth. I really didn't want to live anymore. The only reason i could never do it was because of all the hurt it would cause to those around me.
And then so many people have hurt me and I never've been mean to anyone.
And then I go to funerals. I see all those fake ass emotions running rampant. I feel like i'm the only one there that's truly sad for the person laying there.
And then my mother left my father because she hated what he'd become - old and tired. I don't know what she expected marrying a man 17 years her senior. It's really apparent that she never loved him and only married him so I could have a better life. The dumb bitch fails to realize that her leaving him and revealing this epiphany to me pretty much makes me feel worthless and reveals my entire life to be a lie. It would've been better for me to not go through all of this now, than to have what i had then.
I look back at all those days i sat there seriously ready to leave this earth and try again, and the only reason i didn't was because of them and the others around me.
At that age, I wanted to be the martyr. I felt as though it would give meaning to my life. I didn't because of others. I guess i knew things were fucked up.
...
I need to wrap this up.
...
I regret how I treated Kathy in HS. She liked me and I fucked it up. I regret not acting out and asking AJ out when I had the chance. I really regret letting Katie go that day. That was stupid of me and I don't know why it happened that way.
I really regret college. I should've stayed close and graduated in an ag science or became a teacher. I hate my college career.
I wish I hadn't bought this house. I come home and wish to god i could move.
I love my dogs, but I wish i didn't have them.
I love Amanda. I'm afraid I'm holding her back from being happy and growing as a person. I don't feel as though she's on the right path being with me.
I regret damn near every decision I've made because I've made none of them for myself. I joined a fraternity to help a friend out. That was stupid and I sorta regret it. I enjoy it now, but that's sorta an after effect as I really didn't enjoy it that much then.
...
I feel a little bit better. Not much. |
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| frantic yet controllable emotions |
[Feb. 3rd, 2010|11:28 pm] |
i've been in a weird mood lately...mostly internal but more than likely there's a bit of external flabbergasting thats seen...
anyhow...going to the gym has helped a lot but the biggest issue is i am losing some sort of grip on who i am...its nothing amanda has done, said, or implied but at some point every couple of years, especially when i'm in a relationship, i get to a point where i'm focused to heavily on the other person and what we are to stay focused on what i am and what i'm doing...
it might sound juvenile but its a necessity for me...i think i might have to slip off for a day or two and just be me for a bit...i need to be...just by myself an dme for a while...
its a weird feeling - i listened to this song about 5 or 6 times tonight...its got a real smooth beat...
Robin Thicke - Sex Therapy
Stressed out, uptight, over worked wow’d
Unleash what you got let’s explore your naughty side
Follow me, where we’re going we don’t need no bread crumbs
Cant you see, baby
You’re the only one
You are among the
Few (hard woman)?
Let me be your medicine.
Cuz I got one thing on my mind, I’ll be your valentine
Spread your wings and baby fly away
(Chorus)
It’s your body, we can love it you want to
Love if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, girl don’t be scared of me
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
It’s your body, we’ll go hard if you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, I’ll be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
Whoa (4X)
Baby let’s settle for you to ????
Just let your baby be
I’ll lick you down, make you feel like you got a body
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha the doctor’s here four you
Take you like Twilight, I thought you never
You don’t have your say anything
I’ll get you wet, yea
Push you up against the wall
Turn you out and turn you on
Yea, yea, whoa
(Chorus)
It’s your body, we can love it you want to
Love if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, girl don’t be scared of me
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
It’s your body, we’ll go hard if you want to (Baby it’s your body)
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, I’ll be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
Whoa (4x)
Girl, it’s your body we can do whatever you like (2x)
It’s your body we can ride and rock and roll
Ride and rock and roll
Ride and rock, oh oh oh oh
(Chorus)
It’s your body, we can love it you want to
Love if you want to, scream if you want to
Just let me love you lay right here, girl don’t be scared of me
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
It’s your body, we’ll go hard if you want to
As hard as you want to, soft as you want to (it’s your body baby)
Just let me love you lay right here, I’ll be your fantasy
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
Shawty, Shawty it’s your body we can do can do can do (sex therapy)
Shawty, Shawty it’s your body we can do whatever you like
Just let me love you lay right here, girl don’t be scared of me
Give you sex therapy
Give you sex therapy
speaks to me on a deep...deep level...
weight loss seems to be under somewhat of control...as long as my willpower can hold up i think i can be 25-30lbs lighter by the time the wedding rolls around...which is not where i need to be but satisfactory for me in less than 5 months... |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|10:21 pm] |
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today i realized that my step father loves me more than my natural mother...its made me very sad...i'm fortunate to have one parent that shows affection, however, its sad to think that my mother at her age has become so self interested. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|08:36 pm] |
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my life is crazy right now... |
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| its only 11 am |
[Aug. 5th, 2009|11:09 am] |
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and its already been a long day. |
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| working around the house... |
[Jun. 24th, 2009|10:26 pm] |
...
i've finished two planters made of scrap wood left over from building the deck...i'm quite proud that A) they look decent and b) that they were basically free
we hung out laundry today...there's nothing better than a line dried towel...
i'm installing a energy star window unit tomorrow in hopes of cutting cooling costs...use the A/C to keep the house at about 76 during the day and use the window unit to cool the living room at night...
we've estimated upgrading our insulation to be about 1500 bucks...which is a lot...but it might save us 600 bucks a season in heating/cooling costs...we'll make the money back in about a year...combined with the gov't rebates from upgrading this is a no brainer...
...
i need to install some outdoor lights...but i really don't have the time or money to put into that project...there area bunch of other things that need to be done first...
...
I'm planning on installing a basketball goal this weekend...will have to cut and weed-eat around the house...planning on doing some tilling and seeding to make the yard look better...have about 5 more bushes to pull up...i like sprucing up the yard and making the house look good...
I'm really trying to do the right thing ecologically around the house...most everything i use is biodegradable or eco-friendly...i've installed a rain catching system on my gutters to use for watering the yard and washing cars...*i wouldn't drink the stuff though*...we mulch and mulch and mulch...i've only cut the trees that have soo many damned leaves that i can't stand it...i've even tried replanting some things that were planted in the wrong place...
I hope to pressure wash the house and maybe the driveway with the water i've recovered...i've got 55+ gallons now and i'll hook up the other barrel soon and maybe that'll be enough to clean everything the way it needs to be...
... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2009|08:34 pm] |
there comes a time in a person's life when they should feel the need to get away and be by themselves...
i have reached that point...however my previous actions have acquired me a set of bill-collectors that utterly refuse to leave me be...
so i walk through the valley of the shadow of death...looking back and realizing there's nothing left...toiling long...days gone...i really wish there was nothing left...
realizing how i dream...knowing what i've lived for thus far lends me nothing but hope and modesty...ill prepared i press forward towards a light moving faster, faster still...
i open my arms...fiercely flapping the wings i don't have...stretching my neck towards a sun that won't beam...awakened by these songs of sadness i realize how truly unspecial i am...
in order to be...you must realize you are not...in order to live...you musn't die rather realize what it is...
in order to thrive...
i just don't know...and thats where my predicament is...
understand? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2009|11:53 am] |
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so i just saw a blip on my news feed at a bunch of folks dying in a badhdad bombing...immediately outkast began playing in my head... |
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